This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize