I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
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