You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
