He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
