apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Randomize
