i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
