So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
