Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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