One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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