I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
