Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
