So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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