I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I know her cup size but not her name....
There's even glitter on my cock...
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