I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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