I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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