Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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