yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
