Pants 0. Shit 1.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
