The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
