did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
