I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
