I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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