First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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