My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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