Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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