you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
