What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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