Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
