oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
we made out on top of his cat.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
