I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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