So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
