Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
