I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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