I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
don't judge my taste in strippers
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
