I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
