I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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