he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
