Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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