I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
