I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
