remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
