dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
