Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just want nice things and good sex
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Randomize
