Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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