Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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