Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
