You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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