Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
