I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
