some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
