his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
