Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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