She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
