fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
