You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
