I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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