I think im going to throw up on grandma
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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