never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
