I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
