you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize